Here is an excellent article on the art of apologising, sourced from http://www.thelaboroflove.com/forum/oct00/relationship2.html. I put it here to share with you all.
Apologising - A how to guide
By Sharon Jacobsen
How many times has somebody upset you, and yet although you are sure they must know what they have done, an apology is never offered? Some people simply refuse to see the error of their ways, some a afraid to apologise incase their apology is rejected. Some even think that you should automatically "know" that the other is sorry (yep, they truly expect us to be mind readers). But if you've upset somebody, an apology should always be offered.
Why do you need to apologise?
Without an apology, you can't expect to be forgiven. If you've upset somebody, the chances are that they'll carry their resentment with them. The resentment may give with time, but it's unlikely to be completely released. An apology opens up for the chance to talk about what happened, put things into perspective, understand the mistake and put it behind you.
Don't pass the buck!
The biggest mistake we do when apologising, is to start excusing our actions. "It's Angie's fault really, for taking the car in the first place".....or worse, "Blame my upbringing, if my parents hadn't have been alcoholics, I wouldn't have got drunk and gone off with him that night". YOU are responsible for your actions and choices, nobody else. When apologising it's important to show that you know that you are responsible and are truly sorry that YOUR actions caused hurt. Tell the person that you are sorry, and why you are sorry. That's all. If the apology opens up for further discussion, then it may be right to explain further about the background for your actions, but explain also that the mistake you made is something that you need to learn from, so that earlier experiences won't effect your relationship with others in that way again.
Don't offer cheap apologies
Have you ever been in a situation when you felt that you should apologise for something that you really didn't feel sorry about. Just because it was expected of you? Children experience this all the time. Mum says "Tell Auntie Jane you're sorry". But you weren't sorry. You thought Auntie Jane deserved what she got, but because you were a child, you had to follow orders and apologise Do you still do this as an adult? Don't! These apologies are cheap and meaningless. If you feel that an apology is expected, but that you really aren't in a position to offer one, speak to the person involved. Explain that you understand that you've upset them in some way, and that you are sorry for that, but explain also that you don't understand what has upset them, or why they feel that you are to blame. Perhaps when you see the situation from their viewpoint, you will understand it and feel able to offer an apology. Or perhaps the other person will understand that you are not entirely to blame. Again, don't pass the buck, simply explain your situation.
An eye for an eye
Somebody upset you and never offered an apology. This annoys you, and you think "well, if she/he can do it, so the hell can I". We often validate our actions this way. But should you really hurt somebody simply because they hurt you? That also validates THEIR actions. You've opened a pathway to acceptance for this type of action. Do you really feel that this type of action is acceptable? Obviously not, or you wouldn't have been upset by it in the first place. The fact that another person didn't apologise for their action, does not mean that you should do the same thing "to teach them a lesson". There is only one thing worth doing: TALK! Explain that you are upset and why. If the other person still doesn't understand or feels an apology is in order, then accept that they have different values to you, and reassess your relationship to them.
Allow the other person to be upset
It's important to validate the other person's feelings. Don't start passing the buck again, by telling them that they are overreacting. We all react differently to situations. If the situation upset that person, then you need to accept that. Don't say: "Big deal. I threw a glass at the wall. It didn't hit you did it?" It's better to say something like: "I'm sorry that I upset you. I didn't realise you would be so upset by this. You have a right to react and I'll make sure that it doesn't happen again.
Make sure they know why you are apologising Just saying "I'm sorry" isn't enough. Tell the person why you are sorry. Something like: "I'm sorry that I didn't call to say I'd be late. I realise it's no fun waiting around like that, and it was inconsiderate of me" or "I'm sorry I said you're stupid. You're not, and it was wrong of me to let my temper take control that way." People want to know that you understand which actions have upset them. By admitting your mistake, and showing that you understand where you went wrong, you show that your apology is sincere and stand a much higher chance of being forgiven.
Be patient
Don't expect everything to be hunky dory again immediately, just because you apologised. The other person's hurt won't disappear on hearing the words "I'm sorry". Give them time to release their feelings of hurt. Allow them to talk about why they felt hurt, and listen. Above all, don't become defensive.
Conclusion
Never ignore a situation where it's obvious the other person is upset, and NEVER offer a cheap apology. If you don't mean it, don't offer it. Instead, explain that you don't understand why the other person is so upset. Talk about it. A cheap apology is worth nothing and will solve nothing.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Sharon Jacobsen is editor/owner of WeWomen.co.uk (http://www.wewomen.co.uk), a portal and community for women in the UK, offering a web directory, articles, ecards, discussion, jokes, poetry, and lots more. Contact Sharon on sharon@wewomen.co.uk.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Thursday, August 30, 2007
New Header
My sister was able to design some headers for my blog, and I opted for this one as it conveys a sense of peace and serenity. I like the fact that it is nature themed, something akin to taking a step back from our busy daily lives to just let the whole moment sink in and saviour it. This is going to be a short post, and thanks again Mei for the beautiful, evocative designs.
Friday, August 24, 2007
Refugees in Malaysia
My country, Malaysia, is going to celebrate 50 years of independence this month. 50 years of planning, refinement and reflections by its leaders and citizens have gone into making what Malaysia is today. The accomplishments and benchmarks that Malaysia has achieved and surpassed within this short period of time have made me proud.
Yet, I believe when it comes to human rights records, our country is sorely lacking. Wehave achieved many miletones when it comes to erecting magnificent structures and launching outlandish mega projects, but when it comes to the livelihoods of Malaysia's people, allits people, we are sadly trailing behind. I am not just talking about Malaysian citizens.I am also talking about the unseen, unheard and oft ignored presence right here, right nowin Malaysia that are treated with scorn and disdain.
They are the refugees.
I chanced upon this excellent article on the plight of human refugees in Malaysia written by Hon Yi Wen of Malaysiakini (http://www.malaysiakini.com/rentakini/71566). Up until now,I had no idea that our country does not differentiate between undocumented migrants and refugees/asylum seekers. Even though Malaysia is a member of the United Nations Human RightsCouncil, it has not approved the United Nations Convention in relation to the Status of Refugees (1951) and Protocol (1967). What this means is that those people with a valid reasonto seek refugee status do not have any legal means or channels to do so in our country. Eventhose who do have a UNHCR (United Nations High Commission for Refugees) card are often mistreated and abused.
The enlightening fiftyrefugees (http://fiftyrefugees.wordpress.com/), the brainchild of Aris Mohamad Oziar, gives a voice to this group of people. I have read some accounts of therefugees, and they are truly sad and painful. Many have escaped from their native homelandsto Malaysia, fleeing from forced conscription and labour, slavery, political instability and violence. However, I fear that they are not better off then they were before. They are living in limbo, because technically they are illegal immigrants. Most cannot speak Englishor Malay. They are easily exploited by unscrupulous agents and are not able to find work.Even if they do, they do it for a pittance.
As a responsible Malaysian, I believe that our country should hear the plight of these peopleand give them a safe haven. It need not be permanent, but the refugees should have a choiceas to whether they wish to stay here or return to their country once the situation is morefavourable. In the meantime, they should be offered protection and a means of livelihood sothey can support themselves. Malaysia should also ratify the United Nations Convention in relation to the Status of Refugees (1951) and Protocol (1967), and our legislation shouldbe changed so that it recognize the status of refugees/asylum seekers.
I believe it is not too much to ask of my fellow Malaysians to listen to the stories that these refugees have to tell and to relate to their experiences. There are news everywherethat perpetuate the stereotype of migrants as uncouth, thuggish and undisciplined, but thetruth is that there are many more accounts of the suffering, plight and injustices that they have to endure that are never published, never told.
We should not turn a blind eye to the situation faced by these people. Please raise awarenessabout these refugees and perhaps we can make a difference.
Yet, I believe when it comes to human rights records, our country is sorely lacking. Wehave achieved many miletones when it comes to erecting magnificent structures and launching outlandish mega projects, but when it comes to the livelihoods of Malaysia's people, allits people, we are sadly trailing behind. I am not just talking about Malaysian citizens.I am also talking about the unseen, unheard and oft ignored presence right here, right nowin Malaysia that are treated with scorn and disdain.
They are the refugees.
I chanced upon this excellent article on the plight of human refugees in Malaysia written by Hon Yi Wen of Malaysiakini (http://www.malaysiakini.com/rentakini/71566). Up until now,I had no idea that our country does not differentiate between undocumented migrants and refugees/asylum seekers. Even though Malaysia is a member of the United Nations Human RightsCouncil, it has not approved the United Nations Convention in relation to the Status of Refugees (1951) and Protocol (1967). What this means is that those people with a valid reasonto seek refugee status do not have any legal means or channels to do so in our country. Eventhose who do have a UNHCR (United Nations High Commission for Refugees) card are often mistreated and abused.
The enlightening fiftyrefugees (http://fiftyrefugees.wordpress.com/), the brainchild of Aris Mohamad Oziar, gives a voice to this group of people. I have read some accounts of therefugees, and they are truly sad and painful. Many have escaped from their native homelandsto Malaysia, fleeing from forced conscription and labour, slavery, political instability and violence. However, I fear that they are not better off then they were before. They are living in limbo, because technically they are illegal immigrants. Most cannot speak Englishor Malay. They are easily exploited by unscrupulous agents and are not able to find work.Even if they do, they do it for a pittance.
As a responsible Malaysian, I believe that our country should hear the plight of these peopleand give them a safe haven. It need not be permanent, but the refugees should have a choiceas to whether they wish to stay here or return to their country once the situation is morefavourable. In the meantime, they should be offered protection and a means of livelihood sothey can support themselves. Malaysia should also ratify the United Nations Convention in relation to the Status of Refugees (1951) and Protocol (1967), and our legislation shouldbe changed so that it recognize the status of refugees/asylum seekers.
I believe it is not too much to ask of my fellow Malaysians to listen to the stories that these refugees have to tell and to relate to their experiences. There are news everywherethat perpetuate the stereotype of migrants as uncouth, thuggish and undisciplined, but thetruth is that there are many more accounts of the suffering, plight and injustices that they have to endure that are never published, never told.
We should not turn a blind eye to the situation faced by these people. Please raise awarenessabout these refugees and perhaps we can make a difference.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
4 Modes of Preparation and 3 Arrivals
Below is my interpretation of our Shaolin Wahnam school's principles of 4 modes of preparation and 3 arrivals
The 4 modes of preparation are:
1. Prepare yourself (jing,chi, shen)
2. Assess your opponent
3. Seek an opening/create an opening if there is none
4. Exploit the opening by acting smoothly and quickly
The 3 arrivals are:
1. Arrival of the heart
2. Arrival of the feet
3. Arrival of the hands
These principles can be applied not only to combat, but our daily lives as well!
When starting out on any venture, we must be sure of our aims and objectives, our resources and of course the situation at hand. We must be prepared emotionally, physcially, mentally and spiritually (jing, chi, shen). Emotionally by knowing our feelings and heart is at the right place, right time. Physcially by knowing that our feet and hands are ready to act and are able to, mentally by knowing that we have mental clarity to plan ahead and have plotted out appropriate measures and and spiritually by knowing that God, Buddha, or Universal Cosmos has given us the blessing and that all is aligned for the venture to take root. We must also be aware that the Universal Cosmos, God, or Buddha listens to what we truly need and want, and not what we think we need or want.
We then assess the situation/opponent. What is the true situation/opponent? Is this the right time to act? Is this the right place to act? What are the available options? With mental clarity and chi at our dan tien, we are able to see the situation/opponent as it is, not as we think it should be.
We then seek the opening that is there for us. If there is no opening, we create one. How to do this? If we follow the above 2 principles, we should be able to create one, by exploiting a weakness. For example, in sparring we make the first move so the opponent will act, but that which limits his options to act to those moves that we have already anticipated and thus are ready to exploit upon.
By preparing ourselves sufficiently beforehand, we are now able to act when the opportunity arises. If we had not, we are not at our optimum when we act, or at the very worst we cannot act at all.
The arrival of the heart, I would say, corresponds to the first 2 stages of the 4 modes. We must have a plan and are willing to act.
The arrival of the feet means we have placed ourselves in a optimum situation to act. Right timing and right spacing.
The arrival of the hands means we act. We engage the situation.
In combat, we must first have the mental clarity and chi at dan tien. We assess the opponent (Arrival of the heart). We then move into our stances (arrival of the feet). Finally, our hands then engage (arrival of the hands). So, in order, heart, feet then hands. Our Shaolin Wahnam Kung Fu always emphasize strong, stable stances. The feet reach first before the hands.
An excellent discussion on this topic is at our Shaolin Wahnam forums here, in this thread http://www.wongkiewkit.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4790
The 4 modes of preparation are:
1. Prepare yourself (jing,chi, shen)
2. Assess your opponent
3. Seek an opening/create an opening if there is none
4. Exploit the opening by acting smoothly and quickly
The 3 arrivals are:
1. Arrival of the heart
2. Arrival of the feet
3. Arrival of the hands
These principles can be applied not only to combat, but our daily lives as well!
When starting out on any venture, we must be sure of our aims and objectives, our resources and of course the situation at hand. We must be prepared emotionally, physcially, mentally and spiritually (jing, chi, shen). Emotionally by knowing our feelings and heart is at the right place, right time. Physcially by knowing that our feet and hands are ready to act and are able to, mentally by knowing that we have mental clarity to plan ahead and have plotted out appropriate measures and and spiritually by knowing that God, Buddha, or Universal Cosmos has given us the blessing and that all is aligned for the venture to take root. We must also be aware that the Universal Cosmos, God, or Buddha listens to what we truly need and want, and not what we think we need or want.
We then assess the situation/opponent. What is the true situation/opponent? Is this the right time to act? Is this the right place to act? What are the available options? With mental clarity and chi at our dan tien, we are able to see the situation/opponent as it is, not as we think it should be.
We then seek the opening that is there for us. If there is no opening, we create one. How to do this? If we follow the above 2 principles, we should be able to create one, by exploiting a weakness. For example, in sparring we make the first move so the opponent will act, but that which limits his options to act to those moves that we have already anticipated and thus are ready to exploit upon.
By preparing ourselves sufficiently beforehand, we are now able to act when the opportunity arises. If we had not, we are not at our optimum when we act, or at the very worst we cannot act at all.
The arrival of the heart, I would say, corresponds to the first 2 stages of the 4 modes. We must have a plan and are willing to act.
The arrival of the feet means we have placed ourselves in a optimum situation to act. Right timing and right spacing.
The arrival of the hands means we act. We engage the situation.
In combat, we must first have the mental clarity and chi at dan tien. We assess the opponent (Arrival of the heart). We then move into our stances (arrival of the feet). Finally, our hands then engage (arrival of the hands). So, in order, heart, feet then hands. Our Shaolin Wahnam Kung Fu always emphasize strong, stable stances. The feet reach first before the hands.
An excellent discussion on this topic is at our Shaolin Wahnam forums here, in this thread http://www.wongkiewkit.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4790
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
My Country, My Patriotism
The Negarakuku controversy got me thinking about my own patriotic feelings for my country. For those who don't know, the Negarakuku controversy began when Namewee, a fellow Malaysian currently studying in Taiwan, made a creative music video featuring our national anthem remixed in his own style. It was controversial due to the content of the lyrics, which can be viewed as racist and prejudiced.
I'm not going to judge the video, as that is not the main point of this blog entry. Instead, I'm going to examine my own feelings for my own country. To be honest, up until now I have always taken my country for granted. Sure, Malaysia is a nice country with a stable government (for the time being) and is multi-cultural and tolerant (to a certain extent). It has great food, people full of genuine warmth and humility, and a rich and diverse history.
I've always looked at my country as something to be proud of, should be proud of, and I've never ventured beyond that. I never volunteered for social activism, never voted though I am of legal age to, never really bothered with the political and religious scene of my homeland. To me, Malaysia is simply a place where I make a living. If you don't bother me, I won't bother you. Live, and let live.
But lately, I have begun to truly wonder about the welfare of Malaysia and its people. All the corruption issues and ineptitude of the present ruling government notwithstanding, I now realize that I have a responsibility to my fellow Malaysians to make my country a better place for future generations so that they can live without fear and with happiness. Not with the ISA hanging over their heads if they decide to voice their opinions.
I realize this is all talk for the moment. I am currently enjoying life in Tampa for the time being after all. But when I return, I will do something to make my country a better place. Be it social activism, blogging to raise awareness, or voting for a deserving party.
Our country, I believe, is only as good as the character of its people.
I'm not going to judge the video, as that is not the main point of this blog entry. Instead, I'm going to examine my own feelings for my own country. To be honest, up until now I have always taken my country for granted. Sure, Malaysia is a nice country with a stable government (for the time being) and is multi-cultural and tolerant (to a certain extent). It has great food, people full of genuine warmth and humility, and a rich and diverse history.
I've always looked at my country as something to be proud of, should be proud of, and I've never ventured beyond that. I never volunteered for social activism, never voted though I am of legal age to, never really bothered with the political and religious scene of my homeland. To me, Malaysia is simply a place where I make a living. If you don't bother me, I won't bother you. Live, and let live.
But lately, I have begun to truly wonder about the welfare of Malaysia and its people. All the corruption issues and ineptitude of the present ruling government notwithstanding, I now realize that I have a responsibility to my fellow Malaysians to make my country a better place for future generations so that they can live without fear and with happiness. Not with the ISA hanging over their heads if they decide to voice their opinions.
I realize this is all talk for the moment. I am currently enjoying life in Tampa for the time being after all. But when I return, I will do something to make my country a better place. Be it social activism, blogging to raise awareness, or voting for a deserving party.
Our country, I believe, is only as good as the character of its people.
Sunday Trip to Gainesville
Well, last Sunday I managed to drag myself out of bed and with my family (minus my sister who had to stay home), we sent my prodigy brother back to Gainesville, just days before classes commence.
Gainesville was much like what I remembered when I was here a decade and some years ago. Back then my father studied at the University of Florida (UF) and he brought us little tykes along. I schooled at Joseph Elementary and Lincoln Middle, and I have nothing but fond (mostly) memories for the 4 years while I was there. There was Lake Alice, still pretty much the same pristine, clear lake but with the addition of a new church that gives off a new age, shamanistic vibe. Also, I didn't get the opportunity to see the gators there close up this time around though. There was Ben Hill Stadium, the symbol of Gator pride. Then there was the Museum of Art, and also the Ritz Union. Nostalgic feelings kind of crept in but never really overwhelmed me.
It's great to see how far Gainesville has grown as well. There's the new Hume Residence, which is for Honors students. Also, the great expanse of field right next to Corry Village has been developed into a residence hall for athletes, and numerous spanky new buildings have dotted the landscape where once nature thrived.
We brought my brother to his residence, Hume East Wing, and since I was bringing in stuff for him, I can say that the residence hall is comfortable, secure and the people there are great and helpful. I saw lots of nervous, agitated faces as well, maybe it's because it's their first time living away from home. I can say that my brother was glad to be back there, being able to hang out with his friends again and living independently. My brother's always been like that ever since he attended junior high in Singapore and had to manage things on his own from a young age. I love the little guy.
I also went to Omni Books. This store goes way back, when I was still around 10 or 12 years old. It definitely looked more furnished now than before, but there are books piled everywhere, and I mean every nook and cranny. The first thing that hit me was the familiar smell of dusty tomes assaulting my nostrils, but it quickly became a nostalgic feeling as I dived right into the books and started rummaging about. There were so many book I wanted to get, but in the end I brought back Messages from the Masters and The Scottish Nations. I have a keen interest in Scottish and Irish culture, and this beautiful, hardcover book that emanates majesty just won me over the instant I laid eyes on it. As for Messages from the Masters, I want to read about people's past live experiences, and as a guilty pleasure read.
Overall it was a tiring, but rewarding day. I will be looking forward to September when I will be going to Gainesville again. Oh, before I forget, I must say that the weather there is much hotter than before.
A case of global warming?
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